Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
I was bored shitless and it just wasn't fair,
So I called all of my buddies but no one was there.
The idiots were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions naked women danced in their heads.
I said fuck this shit and I put on my cap,
And went to the pub for a little night cap.
I went out on the street and I made such a clatter,
That my neighbors woke up to see what was the matter.
I'd been out at the pub to some by Irish bash,
I drank all the liquor and smoked lots of hash.
I couldn't help it, I had to pee on the new-fallen snow
Writing my name with a liquid stream of yellow.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a cop car with lights flashing as it veered.
With an athletic driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment that I should put away my dick.
More rapid than eagles to arrest me they came,
And they whistled, and shouted, and called me by name!
"Hey asshole! Yeah, asshole! Get back here and freeze!
Stop running! Stop resisting! We'll catch you with ease!
You can't hide on the porch! Or climb up the wall!
Now get away from that house! And stop of you'll fall!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
I was twisting and turning and drunk so they knew,
They would catch me in a blink and arrest me soon.
So I ran to the yard and jumped over a fence.
Wondering if in court I could plead self-defense,
I climbed up a chimney and didn't make a sound.
The boys dressed all in blue, ran right past my foot,
While my clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
So I jumped from the chimney with the cops at my back,
I ran to the house, and I never looked back.
Exhausted and drunk and my heart pounding hard!
I fell on the floor thinking of the adventure in my yard!
And when I woke from my drunken slumber,
Standing there was a man in red his laughter like thunder.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, very unlike myself,
And I laughed when I saw him, stealing stuff from my shelf!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He even stole my stockings, and called me a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Snorting up coke like vacuum cleaner's hose!
He left my house with me drunk on the floor,
Drunk and confused looking at my open door.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas cocksucker, you shouldn't have got drunk tonight!"